stop liking that!
on the Meghan Sussex of it all
Growing up, I desperately wanted to find some way to relate to my dad. I thought if I found ways to enjoy things he enjoyed, wishing that things would be smoother and calmer if I did. ESPN was a constant in our home—tournaments and super bowls, commentaries and documentaries, it was the background noise always vying for our attention.
Basketball held a particular affection—my dad was a coach and loved March madness and watching NBA games. I purchased a vintage Larry Bird/Michael Jordan tin lunch pail on eBay. I learned players names and chose my dad’s college number #22 for my basketball jersey at school. I wanted to be in the know, I wanted to be a part of the fun, I wanted to have something light to look at.
One afternoon as we watched, I mentioned how one of the players on the screen was my favorite—a point guard who seemed to be a good team player. My dad quickly shot back, “you know he’s divorced, right?” My dad would often look for ways to make sure he looked better than someone I admired or would say something positive about. There wasn’t room for me to admire or enjoy watching a player if I was going to do it out loud, so like many things in life, I reverted to quietness. I learned to not celebrate the things I loved around people who were going to make me feel bad for liking them. And over the years, I’ve noticed my sensitivity to saying the things I enjoy out loud out of fear of looking “cringey” or “silly” or for simply enjoying something that isn’t someone else’s preference.
But the older I get, the more I am okay with enjoying all that I can in this life—without the fear of being labeled as silly, or dumb, or cringey for purely delighting in simple pleasures and joys. I also don’t want to be someone who makes anyone feel bad for the things they enjoy. And in the words of Taylor Swift, “the worst kind of person is someone who makes you feel bad, dumb, or stupid for being excited about something.”
Do We Like Them?
Say what you will about fortune, fame, or the scandals within the royal family, but I think the Duchess of Sussex has received some of the worst internet backlash one can imagine. Criticism can be expected for those in the public eye, but what many have experienced as celebrities or internet personalities is often beyond mere criticism. Death threats, callous name calling, the hunting down of a human being you detest just to make oneself feel better are all now the norm in many online spaces.
For many, it is not enough to celebrate our favorite well-known figures or celebrities, we must also put down our least favorite. And we must shame, or mock, or ridicule, or judge anyone who enjoys the person we deem less worthy.
Eric and I were watching the Oscars a few weeks ago, and as one well-known director came on stage to present an award. I turned to Eric and asked something along the lines of, “do we like him?” Meaning, has he been involved in a scandal, has he been canceled, is he “okay” to like?
As I’m writing this, I’m smiling. I meant the question light-heartedly and wasn’t really looking for approval to like this person or not, but I was trying to figure out why I hadn’t seen or heard of him in a while. In the most genuine sense, I was wondering if this person, this director that I have no personal tie to, was okay to enjoy in his brief moments of presenting an award.
The mental gymnastics you guys.
I am all for being aware of harmful people, for being mindful of who we continue to prop up and give power to. AND, sometimes the mental work of trying to keep up with who is in and who is out, and on what level they are in or out, is exhausting.
“I love listening to this artist.”
“You know they don’t even write their own music…”
“I really enjoy watching this show.”
“You know the main actor is gay…”
“I like reading this theologian.”
“You know they spoke at that one conference…”
“I like what this politician had to say about that issue.”
“You know they voted against this other issue…”
It tends to feel like we are never allowed to utter something positive about someone or something without being corrected into alignment with instruction from our audience.
We can have our preferences, our likes and dislikes. I don’t like or enjoy all the shows my friends enjoy. I don’t like all the same music my siblings like. I don’t enjoy some of the books my husband loves. But it’s when we turn our dislike into a weapon that says to someone else, “not only should you not like the thing I don’t like, but we should hate it, protest it, kill it,” that we end up hurting others unnecessarily. We may even risk not truly knowing our friends, in return.
Enter: Meghan Markle Sussex.
With Love, Meghan
Last week, as Meghan’s new series, With Love, Meghan, released on Netflix, many were ready to be upset with anyone who might enjoy and share their joy of her show. She’s corny, or a narcissist, a fraud, out of touch, insufferable, attention-seeking, many headlines and viral vile videos would say.
Why the hate? Why does it seem that no matter what someone like Meghan does, she will be labeled with the same, hurtful names and descriptions. Many have pointed out that these comments stem from deep-seeded racism, something I am sitting with and hearing from BIPOC folks that are teaching me. And I also think, without disagreeing with that assessment, that there must be more to our broader desire to police the enjoyment of others. Or perhaps we are out to prove that we are more enlightened than someone who enjoys what we deem as simple pleasures.
I have done this. I have made people feel bad for purely enjoying something I didn’t like. I have clung to jealousy and envy when women in my life achieve their goals or win big. I have put down the joyous accomplishments of others because I could not rightly name my own disappointments.
I used to make fun of people who watched Hallmark movies, until I needed them. That may sound trivial, but I did and still will. As someone who loves film, I am much more prone to indulge in the latest Oscar nominated movie or critically-acclaimed TV series. Yet, when I needed something light, predictable, and short to watch, Hallmark movies were there for me. In short, you know what you are getting from the storyline to the acting, but they serve a purpose. And I no longer think it’s silly for people to enjoy this simple, harmless pleasure.
I purposefully have not watched Meghan’s show yet because that part does not matter. It does not matter if I like it or not, if it’s my cup of tea or not. What does matter is that I will not make anyone feel bad for liking it—I will not shame you or make fun of you or tell you how terrible of a person Meghan is and how you should join the masses of angry mobsters and get her! And I will not tell you to stop enjoying simple joys like a television show that inspires you to take time to care for those in your life (like, how awful of you to want to bake ;) ).
So make your sun-tea girlies. Bask in the joy of Nancy Meyers-esque home décor and linens. And if you want to make a damn rainbow fruit plate, do it! And if you don’t, don’t, the rainbow fruit gods aren’t forcing you to.
